I Proudly Smoke Crack
The following details my experiences eating about 15 grams of shrooms, over the past few days. I started slow and tried to build up to a "heroic dose," which didn't work out the way I thought.
Started off feeling mildly sick like I'd ingested a poison. Edge-bulging, color-shimmering, some pot-like feelings of inspiration or euphoria.
Laid down and dreamed colorful cartoon electronic circuit boards and alien tentacles with warbly sounds...as soon as I closed my eyes I would enter a weird video game realm. I opened my eyes and it stopped, so I was eager to go back, even though it was sort of gently scary and H. R. Geiger'ish at times. I more saw how it could be scary, than was scared. Then I got up and walked around outside a bit and enjoyed all the sights. Started thinking of people in my life and how they were all my teachers, guiding me to arrive at a better mental or spiritual place. I wanted to apologize to them for being mean, and also thank them. I considered sending off emails but thought better of it. I thought about how we are in a time now that necessitates more silence, how we've all been talking too much. There have been a lot of people in my life. I thought of how important it is to act with care at all times; to move carefully and think and consider every action. How important it is to take care of yourself, especially physically. Then I cried and begged God to not permit me to do any more bad things. I cried again thinking of my neighbor's daughter and how much pain she is in. I thought of a few lost souls like that, and how they haven't yet found their way, and I prayed that they would (not to imply that I have).
There was an "ego trip" thing, sorta like on pot, where I wanted to write books and make grand art and thought I was especially smart or deep. I thought of all of my gifts and how I am an artist whether I like it or not – I manipulate things so they are perceptually pleasant or interesting or whatever, including cleaning and cooking (plus perhaps medicine/healing and asking good questions...maybe other things – I am a changer of reality; a world-mover), and how gifted other people are too.
I thought about how many things there are in life and how there's still more to it, and how this life is such an overwhelmingly generous gift: we are given 75 or 95 or whatever years of consciousness. I thought about how you never get a reprieve from self correcting; how you will always think bad thoughts and have bad impulses, and moments of ego, but then will have to gently say "no no"; that process of using something like an inner spirit guide, or self instruction, is ongoing. This could be similar to Islamic ideas of constantly being humble and in a school of sorts.
Then later I went through an angry phase where I was annoyed at Zoom church and annoyed at a friend for saying something I did "seemed short sighted." But I got over it, and only over-ate some. Next time maybe I can not overeat. A feeling of peace has lasted, somewhat...I still have intrusive thoughts but they don't hurt as much. I think I slept better (longer) too.
I thought about the faults of atomism, of dividing up reality into categories, about intellectualism and list making, and about how there aren't all that many definitive answers in life – the only conclusion is a shrug and to see what happens. Your only responsibility is to live and take care of yourself and not to hurt anyone. I really hope I can beat overeating. Maybe not...maybe I can at least put a dent in it.
There's also a danger in overthinking all this. I am brain damaged but it's not a big deal...I just need lots of help from my inner guide. But I should be gentle with myself, as if I were training a puppy. Maybe it's like an "emotional massage," Jim's term for what he hoped aloud I would benefit from one day. The volume seems turned down on my neuroticism and reactivity – I lost my water bottle but didn't care. My friend upset me and Zoom group upset me but I didn't care. My email from pub trivia hasn't arrived yet but I'm not upset; at least, I'm not as upset as I would have been, before. I hope that with a "heroic dose" I can do even better. Things seemed profound, and symbolic...everything represented something having to do with love or connectedness or etc.
Afterthought: it's ok not to be constantly engaging with others. You don't need to apologize or thank them or anything. You can just be yourself. You're not here to save the world or start a business or build huge art in space that aliens will find. Just try and master yourself – if you can get control over your eating by the time you die, that'll be a significant victory.
Setting intentions: don't lie down and sleep this time.
6:10am
Ground and "tekked" 9g into lemon juice, stir, steep for 15 minutes, swallow. Prepare for toxicity, then perceptuals, then emotionalisms. Just waiting now.
6:28am
Nausea, excited feeling in body (toxicity), weakness, feeling of unwellness, lightheaded, feel cold. I hope I don't vomit and waste it. I don't think I will.
So this trip has come and gone now, and the weird thing is my 9g trip was less profound than my 5g trip. I guess that's helpful to have found a good dose. This time it was notable how friggin' sick I felt. I had to lie down for a while, not because of visuals or "trippiness," but because I was really nauseous and lightheaded, for maybe 30-60 minutes. But that passed and I wandered outside, freaked Jim out a bit by being too loud and expressive, and had some delusional pot-like inspirations of stuff I was going to do – typical ego trippery. I went into the backyard and found a tree I called my twin brother, because I calculated it to be roughly twice as big as me (don't ask). I hugged it and played on it a bit, and jumped around and kind of wandered the earth locally making little noises of delight at pure experience. I exclaimed amazement at the beauty of trees and clouds. A return to babyhood, maybe. Notably, with this second bigger dose there were no "visuals" whatsoever – none of what I term edge-bulging and color-shimmering. Well there were a few tiny moments of thinking I saw something weird out of the corner of my eye, but that happens to me in non-mushroom states.
My hope was and is that these trips imparted a lasting feeling of peace or lessening of mental illness/bad feelings, but I sort of suspect that it's just drugs: the good from them lasts as long as the drug does, in your body, although I hear that shrooms can be different. I always hope I can feel better because I feel bad a lot. Shee-it. I suspect, and found confirmation, that shrooms are just like pot: the more you do, more often, the less profound it feels. You get used to it. I think this happened a little already here. Plus the toxicity is significant; I wouldn't want to feel much sicker than I did with this third trip. But yeah, pretty interesting. After the 5g trip and after the 9g trip, I noticed a disturbing anger/reactivity/neuroticism as a kind of backlash to the mushroom peace, but that didn't last, and now I feel pretty peaceful again.